6 Ways to Make Valentine's Day Special for Yourself!

If you've been single on Valentines Days in the past,  there's a good chance you've found yourself among the jaded, rolling your eyes every time you see a rose or balloon that isn't yours, (we've all done this!) or perhaps you've just gotten used to ignoring the day altogether!  Well, an alternative to the average V-Day this year, here are a few of my favorite non-traditional things to do that actually help to make the day special!   

Volunteer

Senior citizen homes, hospitals and shelters get plenty of volunteers during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays but tend to be overlooked on Valentine’s day.  Contact some local places and ask if they need volunteers on this day.  You could pass out sweet little cards, candies or something.  If you find that it’s a long process getting screened to volunteer on your own, check to see if a Meetup group or church in your area has an outing planned to one these locations, then you can join them.  One of the best volunteer experiences I’ve had by far was passing out carnations and teddy bears to hospital patients with a Rotary club.  Doing something to brightens someone else’s day, even if you don’t know them, is incredibly thoughtful and much appreciated.    

Have a floral or edible arrangement delivered to yourself

Even though you ordered it yourself there’s still something about having something you really want delivered right to your front door.  If you think you’ll feel awkward ordering them for yourself with a representative on the phone (I’ve been through this…) place the order on line. 

Schedule a massage, facial or body scrub at a spa 

Spa setting, low lights, relaxing music, away from the world, foot rub, back rub, facial…pretty much anything they do in a spa is okay by me. No time or money for the spa?  Do it yourself at home!  All it takes to simulate the spa experience is a couple candles, a bathtub (sprinkle in a few rose petals if you want to get fancy), and 3 or 4 ingredients for a scrub that you can mix up right in your own kitchen.  There are a ton of different scrubs you can make at home with yummy ingredients like granulated sugar, brown sugar, honey, olive oil, coconut oil, lemon juice, vanilla extract….  Check out some of the recipes here to find a one that suites your taste and available ingredients.  My go-to is ½ a cup of granulated sugar ½ a cup of organic coconut oil, juice from ½ of a fresh squeezed lemon and a few drops of a grapefruit or citrus-blend essential oil.  Mix them together and use the scrub in the bath or shower.  You will feel INCREDIBLE after. 

Wear sexy lingerie – just because

Knowing that you’re wearing it makes you walk with a little extra bounce in your step, a little more glide in your stride.  You could be wearing sweats and t-shirt and feel like the sexiest woman in the world with a sexy set of bra and panties on underneath.  You kind of feel like you have a secret that’s all yours ;-)

Buy a new perfume or essential oil

Catching the scent of something pleasant (especially when you are wearing it) is a great way to uplift yourself.  Personal preferences will vary widely, but sweet or citrus smells tend to work best for making yourself feel good.  To take it step further, pick a scent you love, then pair it with a calming meditation exercise (essential oils are great for this).  After a few times doing this, the scent itself will bring you to a happy, relaxed state, even when you don't have time to meditate.

Write a love letter to your bestie or family member 

Take the day to tell someone close to you how much you appreciate them!  If you’re artsy-craftsy make personalized card or thank you note to make it extra special.   

Do you have any other ways to make the day special for yourself?  Tell us! 

Random Thoughts About Mean Men...

I used to date this man who was mean.  He wasn't your typical, overtly mean guy, he was an undercover, sneaky kind of mean.  He would find little ways to be mean without you knowing it until you knew it.  He was the kind of guy who would smile in your face, say nice things, make you laugh and gain your trust, then he'd do something super passively mean.  It was always smooth, calculated and so perfectly timed that you wouldn't know you had been cut by his meanness - again - until you were bleeding.  Then you would be left wondering "Did he do that on purpose?"  "Surely he didn't mean to be mean by what he just said"...or "I'm probably being over-sensitive, he didn't mean it that way..." 

He was handsome, athletic, well-educated, creatively gifted.  We would have the longest, most fulfilling conversations about so many things.  He spoke my primary love language - words of affirmation, was quick witted and incredibly funny.  Parts of our personalities were similar and I often felt when I was talking to him, like I was talking to the male version of myself. 

But the bad part was that he was also incredibly broken.  He suffered so much hurt from things in his childhood that carried over into his adult life.  He had been molested by his 3^rd grade, teacher, never really had a relationship with his father, didn't receive any love from his mother & was raised by a grandmother who beat him because his looks reminded her of who she referred to as his “no good daddy”.  He went on to have a series of bitter-sweet successes through high school, college and adulthood.  Eventually, he had learned to push people away and not allow them to get too close for fear that he would be crushed.  So he found little ways to try to keep people in his life around because he desperately needed and wanted love, but he would simultaneously- and ironically- push away the very thing that he was desperate for.  He was terrified of REALLY letting anyone in because he'd been so hurt and disappointed by the people in his life who should have loved him the most. 

I thought I could be the one to love him through his pain and help him open up to receive love.  But, my attempt to love him through his hurt meant that I was getting hurt.  It meant that I'd occasionally have to be on the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior, biting sarcasm, long periods of the silent treatment when he got his feelings hurt, being slowly lulled in by sweet words & thoughtful gestures, then suddenly shoved back when he feared that we were getting too close.  He needed therapy and Jesus, but he wasn't open to either, so I had to end the cycle.  No matter how much I loved and cared for him, I realized that he struggled to love himself, therefore would never be able to love me in a healthy way.  In trying to make him love himself and me in a healthy way, I was going to eventually become just as damaged as he was.  Hurt people hurt people.  We love out of our wholeness and out of our brokenness just the same. 

So the moral of this story is simple: Don't let people be mean to you.  Even if there are such great qualities about them that you hate to let them go, you have to in order to preserve yourself.  You will take on so much of their baggage that you will in turn have baggage to get rid of later, and it's not worth it. 

If he's mean to you in the beginning, he will be mean to later on.  Don't ignore it or downplay it.  You know what being treated well feels like, and the person who’s not showing that to you, isn’t worth your precious time. The right one won't hurt you on purpose.  That's the one to wait for. 

 

 

 

 



Umm, Was That Your Idea of Asking Me Out?

Now let me start by saying, I don't date much...scratch that... I don't date at all lately.  Partially because I'm more focused on my career right now than I've ever been, but the second reason is  because men simply don't ask me out very often.  Oh they compliment, they flirt, sometimes they even stutter and stammer and find any excuse to talk to me about nothing... but they rarely just go for the gold and ask me out.  So my point is, I may be just a little rusty when it comes to the dating scene, which is why I feel compelled to pose this question ladies & gentlemen... Is this the new and acceptable way to be asked out on a lunch date by someone you just met??

The Guy: "So Chris, where we at after this?"
 Me: "Where we at with what?"
 The Guy: "You know, where we at?"
 Me: (Scrunched up confused face) "Huh?"
 The Guy: "Friday's, Chili's?..."
 Me: (Laughing out loud) "Ohhhh, for lunch!"
 The Guy: (Smiling) "Yeah, where we going?"
 Me: "I'm on a juice fast, can't eat 'til April 11th..."
 The Guy: (Scrunched up confused face) "Oh, okay..."

**End Scene...**

I didn't know until his friend told me later that he'd been waiting for a chance to meet & ask me out, but because of the casual approach, I didn't think much about it when I declined in a casual way.  I tle old fashioned when it comes to dating and would expect that if a man were truly interested in a woman, he wouldn't approach her in such a casual way.  But perhaps the casual approach is the new norm??  So your opinion please...  is this the new way to ask ladies out who you've been wanting to talk to??  Ladies, how would you have responded?

Every Time We Speak, We Are Prophesying Our Future

                                   

This morning FB showed me this picture that I posted exactly 3 years ago today & to my surprise, what I was declaring then are the same things I still declare every day now! My declarations have been:
1. I live in the fullness of God, I don't need for anything, I don't want for anything, nothing is missing, all is well.
2. Every day I increase in favor with both God & man.
3. I walk in freedom for I have devoted myself to God's commandments (Psalms 119:34)
When I look at my ...life I see the results of MY WORDS. Being a single woman supporting herself is not always easy, but for the last 12 years that I've lived in CA, I havent missed a rent payment, a car payment, the lights stay on, hair & nails stay done, insurance & gym memberships stay paid, groceries stay in the fridge. I can't tell you how many times I've forgotten my wallet & still came home with whatever I left the house for ...or when I locked myself out of the car & called AAA (with no AAA membership) and they came to the rescue - & REFUSED to charge me! The list goes on of examples of the favor, provision & freedom I declare I have coming to life. So... seeing how what I say works, I have recently added 2 NEW declarations:
4. I am happily married & my husband is AMAZING!
5. I have multiple streams of income & more clients than I can handle!

Calling those things into existence that are not, as though they were = prophesying my future with my words!

10 Good Reasons NOT To Be the Chick on the Side

 

 

It may be a touchy subject but perhaps you've found yourself in the position of being the other woman, the "kept woman", the "side piece", or the umm, supplement to his main romantic diet.  It happens all too often that good, morally sound, intelligent, beautiful women find themselves in a position of being the other woman.  Regardless of whether it was intentional or accidental, once you're in it, it's all too easy to rationalize the relationship and convince yourself of why you should stay. Here are a few really good reasons why it's never a good idea to be the sexual or emotional appetizer to a man's main course.

 

1. You're on his time, his terms.  Broken dates at the last minute, frustration, knowing that he lies to his significant other to be with you, these things don’t feel good.  Not to mention that holidays, his birthday, and the celebration of major life events are reserved for the wife or main girlfriend while you get the leftovers & breadcrumbs.  For example, in my early 20’s I found myself in a relationship with a man who had a long-term girlfriend who he lived with.  The first couple years of the relationship we celebrated his birthday on July 26^th because that was the day he told me was his birthday.  A couple birthdays down the line I came to find out that his birthday was actually July 25^th.  He spent his real birthday with his girlfriend and family while I got – you guessed it – the day after.  Imagine my anger and hurt when I learned that the man that I thought I was so close to and shared so much with hadn’t even told me his real date of birth.  His reasoning was that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by never being able to spend the actual day with me, he thought he was being sweet by trying to protect my feelings (gag).  This is just one example of the many ways we can find ourselves not quite part of his “real” life, and it doesn’t feel good.    

2. No hope of a family together - at least not while he's with another woman.  If he's married it's possible that he already has the house with the white picket fence, the little league games, piano lessons & whatever else comes along with family life.  If you conceive a child - & have it, you run the risk of not only you but your child being a secret as well.  You may find yourself envying the public life he has with his family and you may even end up feeling like a single mother even though you sort of have a partner.  If you have dreams of a family together, you can pretty much toss those out the window when dealing with a previously involved man.  

3. Your make-believe relationship keeps you from having the real thing.  Not to mention the double standard.  As women, we typically don’t date multiple men when we’re only in love with one.  If you’re with someone who’s already in a relationship, you will likely end up locking yourself into an exclusive commitment to him while he's free to see both you and her.

4. He won't leave her for you.   If he really wanted you, he'd only be with you. Believing anything else is delusional.  Referring back to my July 26^th ex, after about 3 years I finally gave him an ultimatum.  It’s either her or me and I gave him 30 days to decide and if he chose me he’d need to have moved out of the house they shared within the next 30 days if he was going to be with just me.  It took all of 2 days for him to tell me his decision was to stay with her.  I was surprised and hurt but I stayed true to my ultimatum and promptly ended the relationship when he announced his decision.  In hindsight I was so glad that he did choose to stay with girlfriend #1 because that brings me to my next point…

5. If he did it with you, he'll do it to you.  Let's assume that #4 became untrue and he did leave his wife for you.  It still wouldn't be as great as you might think.  Call it karma, the law of attraction, or reaping & sowing but what goes around comes around.

6. It takes a toll on your self-esteem.  Even though you may do a great job of pushing it to the back of your mind, the fact that you're second in line will weigh on you.  You may find yourself constantly comparing yourself to his wife or girlfriend and if so, you might subconsciously compete with her. Who's more attractive?  Dresses better, cooks better, is a better lover, better homemaker, etc...  all of that stress eventually corrodes your self-esteem and it will be harder to get it back to a healthy place for someone who IS worthy of your love.

7. You're an enabler. Behind every cheating man is a woman enabling  him.  It's not rocket science.  If women wouldn't accept a man who's already committed to someone else, men couldn't cheat.  Stop making it easy for him to disrespect his relationship and disrespect you!

8. Trust issues.  If he actually did agree to be with you and only you, you would undoubtedly have a hard time trusting him.

9. If he passes away, you won't even be mentioned at the funeral - if you're allowed to attend.  It may sound crazy and a bit morbid, but it's true.  In the event of the untimely passing of your love, you may have to explain to family & close friends who you are- or were.  You'll probably discover that you weren't included in any type of plans or provisions after his passing, not even listed as the emergency contact on anything.  You won't be able to grieve publicly, the people who loved him most will be of no comfort to you and vice versa.  It will suddenly hit you how much of a part of his life you were NOT, and take it from someone who's been there - you don't want that.

10. You are worth the real thing.  You are incredible.  You are a unique and exquisite work of art.  You are precious in the eyes of the one who made you.  You deserve the kind of love that is exclusively available to you, honors you, cherishes you and respects you enough to not keep you as a secret. You are worth the man that will proudly shout it from the roof top that he's with you.  That man is out there. Don't settle for less.