10 Good Reasons NOT To Be the Chick on the Side

 

 

It may be a touchy subject but perhaps you've found yourself in the position of being the other woman, the "kept woman", the "side piece", or the umm, supplement to his main romantic diet.  It happens all too often that good, morally sound, intelligent, beautiful women find themselves in a position of being the other woman.  Regardless of whether it was intentional or accidental, once you're in it, it's all too easy to rationalize the relationship and convince yourself of why you should stay. Here are a few really good reasons why it's never a good idea to be the sexual or emotional appetizer to a man's main course.

 

1. You're on his time, his terms.  Broken dates at the last minute, frustration, knowing that he lies to his significant other to be with you, these things don’t feel good.  Not to mention that holidays, his birthday, and the celebration of major life events are reserved for the wife or main girlfriend while you get the leftovers & breadcrumbs.  For example, in my early 20’s I found myself in a relationship with a man who had a long-term girlfriend who he lived with.  The first couple years of the relationship we celebrated his birthday on July 26^th because that was the day he told me was his birthday.  A couple birthdays down the line I came to find out that his birthday was actually July 25^th.  He spent his real birthday with his girlfriend and family while I got – you guessed it – the day after.  Imagine my anger and hurt when I learned that the man that I thought I was so close to and shared so much with hadn’t even told me his real date of birth.  His reasoning was that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by never being able to spend the actual day with me, he thought he was being sweet by trying to protect my feelings (gag).  This is just one example of the many ways we can find ourselves not quite part of his “real” life, and it doesn’t feel good.    

2. No hope of a family together - at least not while he's with another woman.  If he's married it's possible that he already has the house with the white picket fence, the little league games, piano lessons & whatever else comes along with family life.  If you conceive a child - & have it, you run the risk of not only you but your child being a secret as well.  You may find yourself envying the public life he has with his family and you may even end up feeling like a single mother even though you sort of have a partner.  If you have dreams of a family together, you can pretty much toss those out the window when dealing with a previously involved man.  

3. Your make-believe relationship keeps you from having the real thing.  Not to mention the double standard.  As women, we typically don’t date multiple men when we’re only in love with one.  If you’re with someone who’s already in a relationship, you will likely end up locking yourself into an exclusive commitment to him while he's free to see both you and her.

4. He won't leave her for you.   If he really wanted you, he'd only be with you. Believing anything else is delusional.  Referring back to my July 26^th ex, after about 3 years I finally gave him an ultimatum.  It’s either her or me and I gave him 30 days to decide and if he chose me he’d need to have moved out of the house they shared within the next 30 days if he was going to be with just me.  It took all of 2 days for him to tell me his decision was to stay with her.  I was surprised and hurt but I stayed true to my ultimatum and promptly ended the relationship when he announced his decision.  In hindsight I was so glad that he did choose to stay with girlfriend #1 because that brings me to my next point…

5. If he did it with you, he'll do it to you.  Let's assume that #4 became untrue and he did leave his wife for you.  It still wouldn't be as great as you might think.  Call it karma, the law of attraction, or reaping & sowing but what goes around comes around.

6. It takes a toll on your self-esteem.  Even though you may do a great job of pushing it to the back of your mind, the fact that you're second in line will weigh on you.  You may find yourself constantly comparing yourself to his wife or girlfriend and if so, you might subconsciously compete with her. Who's more attractive?  Dresses better, cooks better, is a better lover, better homemaker, etc...  all of that stress eventually corrodes your self-esteem and it will be harder to get it back to a healthy place for someone who IS worthy of your love.

7. You're an enabler. Behind every cheating man is a woman enabling  him.  It's not rocket science.  If women wouldn't accept a man who's already committed to someone else, men couldn't cheat.  Stop making it easy for him to disrespect his relationship and disrespect you!

8. Trust issues.  If he actually did agree to be with you and only you, you would undoubtedly have a hard time trusting him.

9. If he passes away, you won't even be mentioned at the funeral - if you're allowed to attend.  It may sound crazy and a bit morbid, but it's true.  In the event of the untimely passing of your love, you may have to explain to family & close friends who you are- or were.  You'll probably discover that you weren't included in any type of plans or provisions after his passing, not even listed as the emergency contact on anything.  You won't be able to grieve publicly, the people who loved him most will be of no comfort to you and vice versa.  It will suddenly hit you how much of a part of his life you were NOT, and take it from someone who's been there - you don't want that.

10. You are worth the real thing.  You are incredible.  You are a unique and exquisite work of art.  You are precious in the eyes of the one who made you.  You deserve the kind of love that is exclusively available to you, honors you, cherishes you and respects you enough to not keep you as a secret. You are worth the man that will proudly shout it from the roof top that he's with you.  That man is out there. Don't settle for less.